Here begins Chris's photo essay on Teams 2013 in Napier;
We started out with the best intentions, to be the proverbial agonizers carrying Nick's Rasheth to victory... spoilers, not so much.
So the drive down was interesting, in that it was a desolate wasteland with a soundtrack I thought I'd heard before coming down from the hills,
And then we got to Napier, checked in and heard a different soundtrack on the way to food. The siren song of flapping rubber. And by siren song I mean fuck Napier.
My pit crew did well though and we were back on the road to food soon....ish.
Food at a charming pub came accompanied by the most abortive game of rugby ever, complete with cardboard cutouts of the crusaders playing rugby,
Dave and I were not amused, nick wondered why the protoss were wearing red and throwing a ball,
He decided to devour all the food available instead of wasting precious brainpower he might need tomorrow,
A quick trip to the pack and slave for tomorrows supplies and we were set to warmachine, well me and nick were. Dave was set to join the village people,
He felt that picture unfairly represented his masculinity, so he called his wife to tell her we were bullying him,
Nick was still happy at this point in the weekend.
Then we decided to watch the rest of the aborted rugby game and found out that scumbagging to dice down happens in rugby too,
After a surprisingly good nights sleep in a surprisingly warm Napier we got coffee, thank god.
Unfortunately it was McCoffee,
Dave attempted to offset the ridicule of last night by wearing his staunch face for as long as possible that morning,
Thankfully his Staunch face didn't need his eyes closed and we found a champion tyre shop open at 7:30 on a holiday weekend. Fuck yeah.
Which allowed us to make the venue early enough to be only fashionably late.
Round 1: The Grumpy Old Men
I got to play Mark Dines, commony known as "Dice Down Dines" or "Oops I won"
His game face was well in place,
I cracked open the magic fuel and proceeded to screw myself up like nothing else on earth,
Mark was too cool and concentrated for me,
After a few "oops, mind if he did this first?"from Dines and some "I am so bad, why do I play this game" from me, I managed to concoct a terrible scumbag assassination. Thank God.
Dave also managed a terrible save, Scott missing a freestrike on double 1's on the running contester to give Dave the win.
He laughed it off in good humour,
But the camera still caught that bitter taste of scumbag,
Round 2: Team Prepster
I got matched up against Mitch, tweeny bopper dream. Also playing Rahn with what I would later realise was the perfect mirror match list. Technology I was unprepared for.
He was exited, smelling my weakness and seeing my terrible abortion of a specialist choice and first turn,
I'm so bad.
I eventually decided to try for an average dice assassination. Obviously it was not going to happen because I am bad.
And Mitch had put the glad eye on my dice.
He smashed me,
because he is better.
at everything.
Khaaaaaaaan!
Next round was Team Big Show ft. The Cleurb Members
Sean looked like he was heading out Cleurbing later, very snappy.
His army was dressed to impress as well with some lovely blue and some kitbashed stormclads,
We lined up on a dream scenario for Rahn and it was all over rover pretty soon with some good rolls from Rahn putting it out of reach.
Dave had a tight game, loosing to Big Shows Tactical Fun Line and tutorial on how sportsmanship gets you the dice you need. Dave commisserated with a Bro hug and Team : The Cleurb all showed grins that their Tactical speed bump had worked out perfectly
Going into R4 1-2 was not the way this weekend was supposed to be going, luckily we picked up a team of bros we know;
The Dojo B Team
Graeme put up a huge game for me and I was so busy focusing my Jedi Mind Trick powers I forgot to take a photo.
All that rubbing my temples and squinting had given me a massive headache, To the Bar!
Gay Pink Cider was the beverage du jour and most were horrified at how good it tasted.
I was however informed by the in the know contingent that cider is soooo out and yellow beers are Totes in this season,
Sunday morning brought the resolve to seek out real coffee from last years cafe, we parked down the road and I assured Dave that while the coffee was terrible and the service poor it was better than McCrap.
Turned out I had parked right outside a more stylish venue. Why don't you just win?
A beautiful breakfast was served that filled all the space and probably made some more,
We were fuelled up and resolved to suck less, win more and be better,
Then we rolled up and found round 5:
Team Snook ft. dojo Daryl and Rick.
After winning the roll and handing Dave the matchup he assured me "I got this", I needed to win the swing game against Rick and he was buying none of my bullshit, head down, IFP up and get in there.
Luckily I made a totally tactical terrible mistake which forced me to try a ropey assassination, I cheated terribly.
Luckily my dice were so baller it didn't matter. Dave had a similar dice explosion.
Team scumbag!
Round 6 had no relief from the hard games for Team Nick,
Team Angry Birds: or as you may know them, "Team Big Deals of Warhammer"
Having once again given Dave his preferred matchup I was to face the designated 'speedbump' fellow Tuesday star Reid P,
We played a great game talking through all the possibilities, A++ would trade again.
Nick managed incredible good form and took Vod to within 50 seconds of a win.
Obviously with the pressure on Dave crumpled like a tin can.
The final round saw us finally square up against the local Team Napier,
As a legacy of last year I was called out first for a rematch. The steely eyed glare was harsh, I was unconcerned.
I was more concerned when all my business squishies died to fire. With the help of a laser I constructed a very bad assassination and was rewarded with a slightly bumpy win,
Leaving us time to watch the epic battle of the Asians,
Complete with hand wringing, gesticulations,
Lots of accurate confirmation
Punctuated by more than a few sniffs from Dave as he hoped he would be spared the pressure of being the swing game.
Nick was calm and collected though, he was going to earn this "Team Nick"
Except for the bits where he channelled a little "I'm so shit"
But he came back to get a cracker of a win, an Earthborn beating Nemo to death with his own stick.
Prizegiving was headlined by M.C. Napier giving his speech,
Accompanied by sick hand gestures,
If he ever needs a job as a backup Rave Dancer he might have a look in,
EDIT: Now with technology, Nick presents: MC Napier, Rave Spectacular
On form, Hamilton's own Rob Shirley stepped up to lay down some phat future knowledge.
And finally the Viking would dish out the Glory.
1st Place: Team Snook ft. Rick and Big Daryl
2nd Place: Team Prepster (Mike, Mick and Rob)
So pretty in their polos and knits,
3rd Place: Team Angry Birds (Vod, Reid, Pete)
With the best headgear ever,
Peer Voted Army: Matthew Carr
Best Sportsmen: Team Grumpy Old Man ft. Their Kids (Craig, Scott, Dines)
And I was fortunate enough to pick up the Judged Painting Prize, you don't want pictures of me.
And lo, like a bolt of thunder our Viking tournament overlord flew off to save another weekend.
Dave was less than impressed by my somewhat scathing evaluation of our trainwreck,
Reputedly uttering "Eat a snickers bro, you're kind of a dick when you're hu... No you're a dick"
And we embarked on the long journey north in our silver longship, the winters raiding having been a failure.
The clouds were ominous, the mountains high,
And the pitstops straight out of a horror murder movie,
But we made it and after a marathon '5 hour drive/therapy session' we all took something away. For more on this, wait for Dave's superior humour.
All in all it was a great weekend with awesome people and I can't wait to see them all again at Call to Arms in August.
Keep it Classy,
Chris B.
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